Love, Over Time, Will Grow
by WrittenxRelease
Summary: Inuyasha will learn to cope with Kagome's return to her era after the Jewel is destroyed. What will he learn about himself? Delve into Inuyasha's mind and see what he sees through his diary entries. xFuture INU/KAGx Lemons will change rating to M.
1. Spelling Out Thoughts

**Author's Note**:

I Do Not Own Anything.  
This is a Fanfic about Inuyasha coping with himself and his thoughts after he returns Kagome to her family when the Shikon Jewel is destroyed.  
This chapter is purely Inuyasha's thoughts. Dialogue and action will follow in the coming chapters.  
Rated T, but future Lemons will change it to M. (INUKAG)

(If you haven't seen the end, you will not understand this FanFic. Go watch all 26 episodes of "The Final Act" for _free_ on Hulu. Doooo it.)

**UPDATE 8/2/10****: **_**This story was recently **__**MOVED**__** from the account "SitBoy813" to this account (WrittenxRelease). The author has NOT changed. Please do not flame either account because the story is "stolen." This message will be removed when the story is removed from the other account. Thank you. –Dana

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**Chapter One:  
Spelling Out Thoughts**

Naraku was really gone. Really, really gone. Defeated, finished, destroyed, banished, conquered, shattered… Gone.  
Kikyo could rest her soul.  
Miroku could live a life that he was not afraid of.  
Sango and Kohaku could be family again.  
Kagome could… live her own life.

And I?  
What have I gained?  
Knowledge, happiness, experience…

I have learned to be kind and considerate of others.  
I have learned to smile and be thankful to others.  
I have learned that you are not always the most important thing in the world… There are others…

Did I learn all of this from defeating Naraku? No, that was a stupid question. The only thing I learned from him is that the human heart is a fragile thing, which can seek the deepest of revenges to heal itself.

My revenge, as well as the others', was accomplished.  
And yet… I don't feel healed.  
Why?

I knew why, I just didn't want to admit it.  
_I let her go._

I had left Kagome with her family that day. I left her. Not out of anger, or frustration, no.  
Out of consideration. I left her because she loved others.  
Not just me.

I knew Kagome loved me. I knew she did since she brought me back from my other half. When I threw Tetsusaiga away, and resorted to my demon heart to help me fight. When she risked her life to save my soul, I knew.  
I know what it is like to put your life on the line for the sake of someone else's. I knew what it was like to know that the survival of the other is more important than any hell I could go through. I'd done it for her. And Kikyo.  
Even though I knew, I'd never been able to do anything about it.

And when Kikyo died, I knew I made the right choice (Not about which girl to choose, no. They aren't prizes.) About keeping my mouth shut all this time. I know she saw me cry for her. Had I told her I felt the same way, seeing me cry for Kikyo would have crushed her. And me.

But now, with no Kikyo to feel guilty for and mourn over, and no Kagome to keep me distracted – No. I shouldn't say that. Kagome was not a distraction. In the beginning she was. But then I saw her for herself, and not for who she looked like. With no Kagome to live for, is what I should have said. Because now, I am empty. Fighting demons doesn't even keep me occupied anymore. It's just… another day.  
Another day without Kagome.

That was the only conclusion I could reach to explain my emptiness. I needed Kagome.  
It has been three years. To the day. Sango and Miroku have a happy family together. Rin has grown with Lady Kaede, learning with her. Kohaku is training to help others plagued by demons.

And I…  
I have nothing.  
I have this diary. And that is all.

Miroku gave me this about a week after Kagome left. He told me it would help, that if I could put it all down into words, sorting my thoughts would make them easier to deal with.  
And then I shamefully told him I didn't know how to write. He laughed and said, "I know. I will teach you."  
He has taught me well. Language has taught me how to sound more mature, although I do not behave the same. Rin says I speak like Lord Sesshomarou, and as bittersweet as that sounds, I am proud of myself for at least _sounding_ competent. I regret talking around Rin though. I can tell it makes her miss him. I'm looser around her, for her sake.  
And Miroku was right. It has been easier to deal with my loss of you (Keh, look at me. Saying that I'm okay with losing her, while I every once in a while, my writing will slip to pretend that I'm talking to her.).

It has been easier to deal with my loss of her. My thoughts have been laid out in this book for three years. The first few months were hard, and I couldn't write her name without the strongest emotions surging inside of me. If she ever read this book, she'd... Nevermind.

I am okay now, I can write her name, and about her, and what I miss about her, and how badly I wish I could see her, just one more time.  
I almost hate myself for abandoning her in her era. Okay, I do hate myself. I just as easily could've brought her back here. And just as I have been able to cope without her, she would have been able to cope without her family.

But I couldn't do that. If I really, truly loved her, I would choose the best for her.  
And I did love her. I can admit that to myself now.

I have written every day in this diary, and on every third day, I go to the well and inspect it for any sign of her or the passage through time. And when there isn't one, which is always, I sit against the well and I write how much I miss her and love her. And I put my thoughts on paper, as Master Miroku has told me to. It does help my mind, but it will not cure it. Only she can.

Every day, I write in this diary. And every day I vow to see you again, no matter how long it takes.

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Review please. I reply to all reviews. Any ideas, comments, errors? Let me know.

-Dana


	2. Drawing Out Memories

**Author's Note:**

Thank you for the reviews and subscriptions. Please continue to do so,  
and enjoy the workings of my mind.

-Dana

**Chapter Two:  
**Drawing Out Memories

"Inuyasha has been gone a while. It is after dark," Lady Kaede stated, giving me a knowing look.

I met her gaze and nodded, showing I agreed. "I was just thinking the same thing. Although it is the third day, he _is_ taking longer than usual. I'll go find out what 's up with him," I said.

"Good Monk, please be safe," Sango said, almost inaudibly. I had thought she was asleep. She had the three little ones laying around her, in her bed. They were all sleeping soundly. She would be joining them soon.

"I will Sango." I walked out of Kaede's sleeping hut quietly.

Inuyasha doesn't normally stay at the well too long, but he seemed rather out of sorts today, so it would make sense that he stayed there a little longer. He always found solace at the well. He would bring his diary and write out his thoughts like I taught him to so long ago. He really did take to the language and writing well. He was a fast and eager learner, quite the opposite of what I'd expected.

He did this more recently, now. Coming home late, I mean. I'd go out to check on him, and sometimes I'd run into him on his way back. Or I'd catch him feverishly writing in the book, and I'd leave him to sort out his thoughts.

It was as close as I could get to help him purify his mind, since Kagome could no longer do it.

As I walked towards the well, I didn't run into him on his way back.

When I got closer, I didn't see him frantically writing in his book.

In fact, at first I didn't see him at all.

I walked up to the well, and saw silver tufts of hair just blowing over the opposite wall of the well. I walked around to the other side, and sure enough, he was lying there, book in hand, ink on the ground, sound asleep.

I smiled to myself. Heavy thinking can be the most tiring thing for a soul. He sure did a lot of it. He wrote every single day, sometimes for _most_ of the day.

How he coped through those first few days was a mystery to me. And although he may seem addicted to his writing habits, at least it was a healthy habit. It was better than destroying anything (or everything), which he was entirely capable of.

I looked at his solemn face. _How does he survive, day to day, knowing that he gave up the one he loved?_

This made me think of myself. I thought about when we were inside Naraku, three years earlier, when I thought my wind tunnel was going to swallow me and everything surrounding me. I left Sango, because she needed to live more than I. Because I loved her.

_That's how he survives. Because he loves her_.

I hope he's admitted this to himself by now.

Sango and I obviously love each other, but when I go out to the market or just leave the house and say "See you soon, I love you" and she replies, "Okay, I love you, too," it makes me think of Kagome and Inuyasha. As far as I knew, they have never said it to each other. And yet… Seeing the worn pages of the book and the exhausted hanyou sleeping, waiting for her to magically reappear at the well, gives me solid proof that their love is stronger than that of mine and Sango's, and they have never proclaimed it to each other.

I know for a fact that their love is stronger than ours. I don't feel guilty, or jealous, no. Just amazed at him, for all he's done and gone through, and he _still loves her_. He just won't give up.

Really looking at him now though, for the first time in a while, I can see that her presence is missing from him. He isn't unhealthy or out of shape; he is half demon, after all. He just doesn't walk as tall as he used to, the glint in his eyes that showed his mischievous, playful side is no longer there. He rarely smiles the way she showed him he could. He just doesn't have his passion anymore.

I glanced at the book.  
All of his passion was poured into that book; a written release.  
I wondered what he'd written in that book. How often was he angry at her? at himself? Did he regret letting her go?

I knew I shouldn't look, which is why I didn't, but I wanted to know what he wrote. Such a mysterious person has practically filled every single centimeter of that book with words. But what were they words of? Hate? Regret? Love?

My thinking had caught the best of me. It was definitely dark now. Dusk had passed.

"Inuyasha," I whispered. **Never** startle a sleeping Inuyasha. Especially one holding his diary. It may very well be the last thing you do. I didn't receive a response though.

"Inuyasha" I said, a little louder. Nothing. I touched his shoulder gently, and still, not even a stir. He was breathing extremely heavy, and he felt warm. Like he hadn't slept in ages.

"When was the last time you slept, Inuyasha?" I wondered aloud. When we traveled, he slept every few days. And when he was human, he slept from dusk until midday, when his exhaustion would catch up on him.

But now, every few nights I would hear him quietly go to the well, with his book in his hand. It usually woke me up, and of course, I didn't interrupt him, but… What if some nights he didn't wake me up?

"Inuyasha, how often are you at this well, waiting for her?" I questioned. Could he really… rarely sleep?  
I nudged him a little. No response. So I proceeded to try and pick him up, because it was obvious that he had not sleep in who knows how long, and he wasn't about to rouse out of this deep sleep.

I picked him up, and I was just barely able to (even _half_-demons are heavy), when I heard something fall to the ground. _His diary._

"Later," I whispered to myself, and carried him back to Kaede's hut.

Kaede was waiting for me.

"Please, tell me he's alright," she whispered with a hint of fear.

I suddenly realized how this must look: here I was, carrying a limp Inuyasha home in the middle of the night.

"Kaede, he's fine, he's sleeping. Honestly," I assured her. I heard her sigh.

"He sleeps so deeply?" she asked. True, if I had not been able to wake him, even carrying him, would a passerby demon have been able to? Or would it simply have just…

I shook the thought out of my mind and focused on the task at hand.

"Yes, Kaede… I don't think Inuyasha has slept in weeks. I've heard him creeping out to the well some nights, but I didn't think it was _every_ night." She nodded.

"I've heard him, too," she said. "Bring him inside, and you can help me make him comfortable."

I did as the woman asked, and set him down where I would have slept, next to Sango, for the time being. I hadn't realized that Inuyasha's bed hadn't been touched in so long. His blankets were tossed towards the corner of the sleeping hut. _DUH._ I mentally kicked myself for being so wound up in my own life. And then I remembered the diary. He'd _die_ if he knew it was left out in the open, unguarded. Or, I'd die.

"Lady Kaede, while you prepare him a bed, I'm going to go grab his diary and ink, by the well. I couldn't carry it back along with him."

She nodded as she got his bedding from the corner.

I left the sleeping hut and walked back to the well. The ink had spilled over. He'd have to find more tomorrow. There was no quill, around or near the book. He used his claws to write. He'd dip them in the ink and say "they make finer lines." I laughed to myself at his preference. Well, I guess smaller writing matters when you fill the book.

I picked up the book and put the ink well in my robe. I looked at the cover. It was a sheepskin cover, and words had been written on in Inuyasha's (surprisingly neat) handwriting: _Thoughts over Time._

His mind never ceased to amaze me. I wonder how much "time" it took for him to come up with that.

I started to walk back to Kaede's, so I could rest my head, and prepare for tomorrow (there was a village nearby that needed exterminating), when I heard a clink. The ink well had fell from my robe to the ground. I reached inside, and sure enough, there was a hole in the pocket.

By now it was dark and my eyes could not see the ground. I felt around with my sandal, hoping to hear the small tink. Just as my foot hit something, the book slipped out of my hand, and it fell to the ground.

I bent over, picking up the ink well, and glancing at the book. It had opened when it fell.  
I didn't want to, but how could I not? Inuyasha's writing looked like something out of the textbooks Kagome would bring. It was beautiful.

But that was not all…  
A slight breeze blew the next page over.  
He was _drawing._

The page had turned to a beautiful picture of Kagome. Hand-drawn (literally) by Inuyasha. It looked just like her. I realized my mouth was open: I was seriously impressed.

I picked up the book and turned the page, slowly starting to walk back to the hut. I didn't want to worry Kaede.

The next page had only Kagome's eyes, huge and filling most of the page. There was no mistaking her eyes. It must be so hard for Inuyasha, to see them in his drawings, but not in real life.

There was another drawing, that I did not recognize. It was of a room… but a strange room. It had such strange things: light coming from little containers, pillows and blankets…but on a table? I think? And then books everywhere. _This must be Kagome's house._ Inuyasha had been there plenty of times, enough to remember it. Was this what it really looked like?

The next drawing was of Kagome, in Kikyo's clothing? Or was it Kikyo?  
I was almost sure it was Kagome. Still… They were so alike…

I turned the page and it said _**Remember**_ in big beautiful characters.

And suddenly I realized what this was about, and why it _was _Kikyo in the last picture.  
_He drew things he didn't want to forget._

Kagome, her eyes, her room, and Kikyo…Humans don't live very long… But demons, even half demons… Who knows how long?

He wanted these memories with him, even if he did see them again someday. He drew them now, so the memory would be more accurate.

I shut the book, realizing that this was not for my eyes to see. I began my walk back to Kaede's, thinking: _Inuyasha, what has the world done to your heart?_

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I wrote this at three in the morning, for your sake. Review this please, for my sake.


	3. Believing in Beauty

Author's Note:

**From this point on (unless otherwise notified), Inuyasha's diary entries will be his thoughts looking back at events. They will be italicized. The plain text is either the actual event he remembers (which, Inuyasha will say in his diary) or real time events. Its really not that difficult, its really a sequence of events anyway, but please keep these details in mind.**

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**Chapter Three:  
****Believing in Beauty**

_ At night, it was harder to write because of the dark. When the moon was bright enough it was easy. My sharp eyes could see anything. Tonight was definitely _not_ bright enough. And my eyes were not their usual sharpness. I had a candle with me. It smelled of wax and lavender, Kaede's favorite. She made her own candles. The light gave my black hair an eerie glow. __I felt vulnerable, and more aware of my human feelings, which didn't make things easier on me.  
__Miroku had found me a few nights ago, asleep by the well. I didn't remember being that tired, let alone falling asleep. I woke up in Kaede's sleeping hut the next day towards dusk. Miroku came in and woke me up to talk.  
__I remember him shaking me awake.  
_

"Inuyasha, wake up. This is not healthy. You must not let yourself become exhausted. How long has it been since you last slept?" I tried to open my eyes, and failed. He had pushed the door curtain over so that light would come through. Keh, too bright.

"Inuyasha, did you hear me?" he asked. I grumbled.

"Yes, yes, how long since I last slept? Uhm, about thirteen seconds," I mumbled, turning over. He sighed.

"Inuyasha," he scolded. Lately, Miroku become… sort of a father figure. Sort of. Not in the way that he could tell me what to do or how to behave, but in the way that if I needed help or advice, I knew he would help. It was a new feeling for me; to trust a friend so closely. Maybe he was more of a brother. I wouldn't know, I didn't have either as a reference.

"I don't know how long it's been. I just… I can't. I don't want to. When I sleep, I dream. And when I dream…" I faded, closing my eyes, seeing visions of Kagome being pulled into the Meido, seeing her crying, falling into her mothers arms. "I don't like to relive it. The last moments I saw her, she was crying. I can't help but to think that she hasn't stopped."

Miroku frowned.

"When I don't sleep I don't dream. And when I do crash from exhaustion, there are no dreams. I haven't had any since…uhm," I said, realizing something, "Uhm, how long have I been asleep?

"Almost a day. Its dusk," he said. I was impressed with myself. Miroku was not.

"Inuyasha," he said. "You've got to break this. She wouldn't have wanted you to act like this and you know it. I'm not saying to forget about her. I know that is not an option for you. But you could at least keep yourself healthy. Move on from the dreams. They are _just dreams_." He said. I sat up.

"Miroku, I can't control my dreams, and I can't tell the difference between awake and asleep _while I'm dreaming_," I said, feeling slightly sleepy again from sitting up too fast.

"I know that, but if you convince yourself that those memories are _simply memories_, then your mind will not taunt you with them anymore."

"You say that like I haven't been trying to convince myself to do that for the past three years," I said dryly. Does he think I enjoy being miserable?

I sighed. Now I was awake. I flopped back down on my pillow. There will be no more sleeping right now. Stupid, persistent Monk.

"Maybe you should try training during the day. You know, to build back your strength and you can go back to sleeping every few days because you'll be tired from training."

That didn't seem like a bad idea. I wasn't out of shape, or anything like that. I was in shape whether I slept for 2 years or didn't. But I haven't used Tetsusaiga in what feels like forever... Some exercise wouldn't hurt.

"Alright Miroku. I'll try."

_That was a few nights ago. I haven't slept since that day; granted, that was enough sleep to keep me awake for a month. I have been exercising, I've been running to build up stamina. I'd run long distances. It kept my mind of things._

_But tonight, being human sharply reminded me of everything. Of Kagome, of Kikyo, of Naraku, of how tired I was…_

_I didn't know if I could deal with my dreams tonight though. I haven't tried it yet, and I wasn't about to dive right in with my emotion-crazed human soul. Usually, I saved my "crash-sleep" for my human nights, so I wouldn't have to deal with dreams and my human heart killing each other._

_The part I feared most about the dreams wasn't when Kagome was in danger, or when I was in danger, or when I couldn't reach Kagome's hand when she fell in the Meido. It was when I found Kagome in the Shikon Jewel and kissed her. My mind _loved_ to relive that. It was torture. It made my heart ache like you would not believe. When I relive that moment, seeing her eyes, her scent in my nose, her lips on mine... I can't even describe the feeling to myself. _

_I'd give anything to see her, to smell her scent, to kiss her._

_Anything._

_But I'd never admit that to anyone. Only myself._

_Which reminds me, I know Miroku opened this diary and saw some of it, or at least had his hands on it. I guess when he brought me back, somehow he got ink on his hands, maybe from the ink well. There are fingerprints on the pages of my drawings. That's the only ones though, so I'm not sure how much he saw._

_I'm not really ashamed. Everything I've written in this book I have come to terms with. I mean, I wouldn't go around announcing it to people, but I don't mind the one person I trust to glimpse it. _

_He thinks I don't know about him coming to check on me when I stay out late. I can smell him in the wind, watching me write at the well. When I run into him "on my way back" its because I heard him coming and saved him the trouble of asking me to return. I know he only saw the pages because he's curious about my mind's health._

_And who wouldn't be? I write in this diary obsessively, practically talking to _myself_. I don't know why I took to this writing, but I'm glad I did. I always feel better after writing._

_Except tonight. Me and my stupid human half. I still hate it. Its a horrible, ugly thing, even in appearance. Being a half-demon would be bearable if this didn't happen. But for some reason, I know I wouldn't change it, i__f given the chance. I've gotten over that now. Full demon or not, I'm capable of anything._

_My mind doesn't seem too terribly pained tonight. Maybe because I'm writing. Who knows. I'm certainly not complaining. _

_I'd better go back to the village. They know I'm human. And every one of them will beat me if I stay out tonight. Even Shippo._

_I went into the cooking hut, hoping the fire from dinner was still burning._

"Inuyasha, thank you for coming in early tonight. Miroku has been worried about you more than usual lately," Sango said to me as I sat down next to her. She was holding one of the little ones in her arms. Miroku must have the two older ones already in the sleeping hut.

"I know. I'm trying though. I'm training like he told me. I'm trying to improve." I said. Which was true. Even if my mind wasn't going to heal, I could retrain my body a little, instead of moping around like a loaf.  
I could mope while being active.

We sat in the cooking hut, the fire pit in the middle. I sat across from her. The heat from the fire felt so comforting. The weather was starting to get a little colder at night. Summer would be ending soon. _Kagome would be starting school._

I glanced at the child in Sango's arms. Sango had a look on her face that expressed pure happiness at the child.

_That should be us right now. We should be contemplating a family together. Or at least a _life_ together…_

She saw me looking at the child, and said, "This one couldn't sleep so I brought him in here. The warmth helps."

I looked away, into the fire. I stared into it for a long time. I'm not sure how long exactly, but it felt like forever. I don't think I was thinking really. The dancing embers numbed my mind.

I didn't stop until I realized that Sango had been staring, too… but at me. I looked up.

"Uhm, Sango?" I said, and her eyes seemed to focus in on my face, coming back from somewhere.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I wasn't staring; just thinking in your direction." She looked down, embarrassed. She was looking at my obnoxious human appearance. No matter how many times anyone saw it, they still marveled at it. Even Kaede. I wish they wouldn't.

"Where you thinking about me?" I said. It sounded retarded as soon as I said it. Sango and I had grown closer in the three years living in the village together, but there was still an awkward distance. And when you add in the fact that socializing and I don't really mix well, it gets more awkward.

"Yeah, I was thinking about you," she said, surprising me. "I was actually thinking about something Kagome said to me…about you," she said, timidly. I could tell she was worried if I was okay with talking about her.

"Sango, you can tell me. It still hurts, but after three years, I've been through worse than anything you could possibly tell me." Which was entirely true.

"I just don't want to upset you." She said. She cradled the child closer in her arms. I smiled.

"You can tell me." I don't know why I suddenly felt at ease talking with her. Maybe it was the child. I suddenly felt comfortable with my surroundings. But that might've been the warmth of the embers and my heavy lids.

"A while before we were even close to Naraku, it might've even been before Mount Hakurei, Kagome told me something about you, about when you had your human nights," she said. I could feel her eyes on me. I looked up and saw that she was searching my face. I nodded for her to continue.

"She said she always liked your black hair and your brown eyes. She wished you could see how beautiful you were, the way she saw you."

Her words gave me chills. Kagome thought I was beautiful? As a human? That's exactly the opposite of how I felt. I felt wrong, out of place, and powerless. Like I could barely defend my name, let alone my life.

_And she saw beauty?_

I could feel Sango eyeing me. I looked at her. I tried to ask her something but this was what came out: "R-really?"

Sango smiled and nodded. "Yes. And she's right, Inuyasha. You shouldn't feel wrong like this. Its not a disguise. This is who you are, and you are beautiful."

I could feel my cheeks becoming hot, and I blamed it on the stupid embers. I knew she wasn't flirting with me. That'd be weird.  
But it still felt strange to have someone call me… _beautiful._

And not just me…but me as a _human_. Half demons were disgusting, waste of life creatures that had too little power to be accepted by demons, and too much to be accepted by humans.

And yet, here I am, being told that I'm beautiful.

"Inuyasha? Uhm, that wasn't all she said." I looked at her, and nodded. I'm glad she knew I needed to process this one piece at a time.

"She, uhm, also said you were beautiful as a transformed demon, too." I felt my heart skip a beat. She continued, "It was before I'd seen you turn into a demon, so she had to explain it to me. She said she was afraid of your claws and your strength because you didn't recognize her while you transformed, but she said your face markings were mystifying, and you moved beautifully."

There she goes, using that word again.

"What do you mean, 'I moved'?" I asked.

"Well, when I first saw you transform, I didn't know what to expect, but as soon as I saw you, I knew what she meant. You move with more agility, accuracy... But you knew that part. What you don't realize is that you also move with grace."

Grace was a synonym for beauty. I frowned. I wish I could hear these words from Kagome.

"You're so precise and controlled. Its amazing, really..." she said. I knew Kagome had said those things, not Sango. The look in her eye told me so.

"She really did admire you, Inuyasha," she whispered. My heart skipped like 9 beats. Stupid human heart.

"I… I had no idea. I knew she cared, but…" I faded. I didn't know when she started loving me. Or _admiring_ me. But the more I learn about her, the more I realized how much I've missed.

"Sango, why wait until now to tell me?"

"I wasn't sure if I should tell you or not. Some human nights it would've made you angry. Others: ferociously upset. I waited until you could handle it."

"Oh, alright." I said. What else was I to say?

I was quiet for a while. I told Sango it was so the little one could fall asleep, but I was really just... thinking. When I did slip into slumber though, Sango said goodnight, and went to the sleeping hut.  
I laid down next to the remains of the fire. The warmth was soothing and numbing at once.

As I drifted off into sleep, the words kept crossing my mind:

_She wished you could see how beautiful you are, the way she saw you.  
She really did admire you, Inuyasha._

_

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Review please. (And really, don't flame me for Sango admiring Inuyasha. She's not all over him. He's just cute, can you blame her for staring? Say yes, and you're reading the wrong category of FanFics.)


	4. Lusting for Sight

**Author's Note:**

**I AM SO SORRY D:**

I did not mean for this update to take so long, I'm so sorry.

Please don't hate me. :X

I had work every day for the past five days, and its 8 hours shifts at _Polo Ralph Lauren_ and it seriously, seriously sucks.

This was supposed to be done and published three days ago, but as I said, I got called into work.

Also, to add to your unhappiness, this one is rather short. I'm sorry. But a short update is better than none at all, correct?

And the next one _**will**_ be up _**tomorrow or Thursday.**_

_I love all of my readers, thank you so much!_

_-Dana_

Update: 8.11.10: There was an error in the details, minor, but it annoyed me. Fixed thanks to a reviewer!

_

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**Chapter Four:  
**Lusting for Sight

"Did you tell him?"

"About what Kagome said? Yeah, I did."

"And…?"

"He took it well. I didn't expect him to be upset or angry, but I knew he would take it to heart."

There was a pause of silence.

"Do you think he's dreaming?" Sango whispered.

"He seems peaceful, I'm not sure." Miroku answered. "Come, let's not disturb him."

I did dream. It was a painful dream, but not a bad dream. Kagome wasn't falling into the darkness of the Jewel, or just inches out of my reach.

This dream was different. She'd just been sitting next to me. It was night time, and we were looking at the moon. I asked her something, I don't remember what. All I remember is that she couldn't answer. Something was wrong with her voice.  
I tried to help her, but it wasn't just her voice. She was having trouble breathing, too. And all I could think was that it was all my fault, and how could I have done this to her, and why did I let this happen…  
The problem was… I didn't really know what was wrong. She could barely breathe and for some reason, I knew it was my fault.

Maybe its because I can barely remember the sound of her voice. I touched the enchanted beads on my neck. I'd give anything, even just to hear her "sit" me.  
I relied on my dreams for her voice, and now I couldn't even hear its music there? What were dreams good for anyway?  
The only thing my dreams seemed to be doing was getting crushed. And as if that didn't make me feel miserable enough, I had a headache. This was going to be _some_ day.

I sat up and woke myself up a bit, stretching the sleep away. I never had to do this on a normal night. However, I did feel slightly replenished from my human sleep, save for the headache. And suddenly I was sick of laying down. I needed fresh air.

I got up and out, going to the nearby river. I washed my face to get the sleep away. It was cool and refreshing, which made me realize how hot of a day it was. I took off my red outer robe. A little better. But not much.  
I laid down on a rather large rock that hung over the water. The rock was cool like the water. I listened to the running water. It helped my mind relax. It always did. I came here often. I hung my fingers over the edge, into the water.

My mind travelled back to few days after Kagome first got here. She was bathing in this very river. Kaede had given her spare priestess clothing to wear since hers were not dry yet. I had been sitting up above, listening to the conversation. Nothing interesting. I remember glancing down at Kagome. She had looked so beautiful, but at that time I didn't know her enough to call it "beautiful". I probably would've used the word "attractive" or "tempting". Or something along those lines. She caught me staring and sitted me, but she couldn't undo what I saw. I smiled.

Thinking of this reminded me of when I'd _really_ seen her. When that ass of a sage was feeding humans to a demon tree so he could eat the tree's fruit of longevity. It was the night of the new moon, and I was vulnerable as all hell. But still, I'd managed to break the tool he'd used to "extract life" out of humans. He'd captured Kagome, and had to put her in some sort of "life extraction" bath since I broke his soul sucker.  
I ran into that room with the bath, and she was so happy just to see me alive, she stood right up and showed me…  
I took a deep breath to calm myself.1  
Well, if I hadn't been so scared that she was dead, I probably wouldn't have been able to control myself. She was lucky I was human. If I had been my usual self, I would've jumped her.

I didn't stare though. I knew better than that. I was no ogling bastard.  
I could imagine her embarrassment, so as soon as what I was looking at registered in my head, I looked away. After she'd recovered, she stepped out of the bath, covering herself with her hands. I kept my eyes away. I threw her my robe. She was cold.

I smirked to myself. _Guess how I knew she was cold?_

Anyway, by that time I did see her as beautiful. Not just something nice to look at.  
When I asked the sage where Kagome was, he saw it immediately. He asked if I loved her, and laughed.  
I knew I loved her. Somewhere in my head I knew. But I wouldn't admit it to my conscious.

Then there was the night where she first saw me as human. I still want to kill myself every time I think about that day. She was upset that I hadn't told her beforehand, because I didn't trust her. I had made her cry that night. 3 times. I hated myself for it. I still did.  
I had put her in danger because I didn't want to tell anyone that I'd be a worthless, helpless, loser for about 8 hours. She saved me though. _She_ saved _me.  
_And on top of that, I'd been poisoned by a stupid spider demon and felt like crap. I asked her if I could fall asleep in her lap. She agreed, to my amazement.  
I told her she smelled nice. I'm sure I creeped her out, and confused the hell out of her, since I always said I didn't like her scent, but whatever. I had an excuse. No blood +poison + human emotion = not thinking right. I was lucky I didn't say anything worse, like how beautiful her body was, or how I wanted to hold her as close to me as possible. I wanted her to run her fingers through my hair and make my pain go away. I wanted her.

The next day, I knew she wanted to ask me about what I'd said. But I couldn't let her; What was I supposed to say? That everything about her was beautiful? That she smelled so good I could almost taste her?

I heard her heart pounding while my head was in her lap. She was so nervous. She'd never been that close to me before. I could also smell _her_. It was the first time I smelled her _real_ scent. Not just the shampoo and her clothes, I smelled _her_.

Thinking of this did not make my groin happy. I was constantly reminded of how much I wanted her by the tightness in my pants. The hot weather didn't make it easier, and it seemed to be getting hotter and more humid as my thoughts did the same. I missed seeing Kagome: her hair, her long endless legs, her curves. I missed her soft skin, her brown eyes, her soft lips.  
My imagination suddenly ran wild before I could stop it.

Yep, definitely time for a cold swim.  
I took off my second robe and my pants, and dove into the deepest part of the water. Cool, refreshing, and _eh-hem_, calming. I came up to the surface, shaking my wet hair out of my face. I looked up at the sky and felt the sun warming my face. I wondered if this same sun was warming her skin right now as well.

She really was beautiful.  
Just then, Sango's words popped into my head: _"She wished you could see how beautiful you are."_

Two beautiful people in love; never to see the beauty of the other again, but still in love.

* * *

I know this was short. I know. Don't kill me please?

It was a filler. AKA an update that I made really fast because I was late for an update. There will be one with plot next time, not just Inuyasha's pointless rambling. Don't flame me. You know what? Go for it, flame me, cause I totally deserve it. But please continue reading :X

p.s. I reply to all reviews.


	5. Writing in Silence

**Author's Note:**

Thank you for reading and reviewing.  
Every single one makes the writing easier.  
This is going exactly the way I wanted it to, so I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you, please review!

-Dana

P.S. Chapter Four was updated 8.11.10 around 5.00pm Eastern.  
Nothing major, just some detail adjustment.  
Please re-read if you haven't already read the updated version. Thank you.

* * *

**Chapter Five:  
**Writing in Silence

It was unusually quiet today. It caused the noises that my pen made to sound irritatingly loud. I didn't remember the last time it was this quiet.  
Everyone was out doing his or her own thing. They'd all moved on. Here I was, stuck writing in this diary, the same way I'd been doing for the past three years.

Three years.

Should I have moved on by now? Was it even possible?  
I couldn't picture a life with someone else. I couldn't even picture a life alone, and yet here I was…

I feel like I should've moved on, but what could I do? I can't control my emotions. I've given up on most things. All of my passions are gone.  
The only passion I have left is writing to you, Diary. I am sorry you must hear all of my sadness without being able to tell me to shut up. I would want to so badly if I were you.

I was sick of being stuck with my head. I'd always had a diary, but I never really wrote in it religiously. Just when I'd gotten bored.  
But it was practically like breathing now.  
I wrote every day.  
There was just no avoiding it.

I didn't talk to anyone much. Mother and Grandfather knew to just let me be.  
They knew how I felt. But they didn't really know what to say..."Kagome, your feudal fairytale has ended. Get over it."

Yeah, that would go well.

Souta didn't understand why I was always locked up in my room. I felt so sorry.

I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. When I wasn't writing in my diary, I was doing schoolwork. If I didn't do _something_, my mind would wander, and the tears would flow.  
I'd finished high school, I was in college, and my grades were perfect. My friends came to see me, but I'd feign sickness, but not because I was going to see him. Because I _couldn't_ see him.

I looked in the mirror every once in a while. My skin was paler. Not in the cute, beautiful, ivory, way. In the way that I looked like I needed some vitamins.  
I'd filled out in all the right places though. Places that made boys call me all the time. Places that most other 18 year old girls would be jealous of.  
And of course, I didn't answer the boys who'd call, and I didn't show off in front of other girls. I didn't care to.  
I don't know how I kept myself thin, healthy and in shape. Heartache burned calories, I suppose.  
I didn't really care how I looked, as long as it wasn't gross. I still showered and brushed my teeth and shaved and all the normal things, of course. But I didn't flaunt and exaggerate any of it. I just didn't want to.

My hair was almost down to my butt, I hadn't cut it all the time I knew him, or since then. I didn't want to. It would hurt too much.  
Its length reminded me of his. I'd almost considered bleaching it and turning it silver, so that I could just look at it.  
But then I knew I had a problem. The next thing I'd do was walk around in fake dog-ears and wear red robes.  
My family would practically ship me off to a 24-hour psychological evaluation center.

I don't know why I expected him to come back. I don't know what part of me did, and what part didn't.  
I couldn't help but think: Why would he come back?  
He left me here _on purpose_. He wanted me to live a normal life. He wanted me to be with my family and finish school.  
Who did he think he was, _Edward Cullen_? Ugh, if only he'd read those books he'd understand how _I_ felt, and that I'd rather have everything about him than a normal life.

The well sealed because of my wish on the Shikon Jewel. I didn't know destroying it would seal the well. I should've let Inuyasha make his wish. I could've protected the jewel while he had it, like Kikyo would've. He could've been whatever he wanted: a human, or a demon.

At this point, I didn't care what he chose. I just wanted to see him.

I missed him so much, it was like I had never ~

Kagome threw her diary onto her bed as she slammed her feet into her shoes. She ran out her bedroom door and down the stairs. Past the kitchen, living room, and out the front door. She'd never had her heart race so fast in her life. She could barely breathe as she ran out into the chilly night air.

_This couldn't be. I don't believe it. She thought. Don't get your hopes too high. It'll just hurt infinitely more if you're wrong.._

The sound she'd heard sounded like the hum that only happened when one passed through the well.  
She ran towards the shrine as fast as her heart would allow. And then she saw the blue light penetrate through the wooden doors. Her heart practically stopped.

* * *

_Thank you; please review, even if you've already done so on another chapter. I want to know what you think about where it's going!  
__I reply to all reviews.  
__I hope you enjoyed the suspense!_

_-Dana _


	6. Searching for Closure

**Author's Note:**

Hey, I'm sorry it has been so long. I've had work, and college, and complications.  
Ugh, here it is. Only two or three more. And these will be up more regularly. I'm so sorry. Don't hate me.  
P.S. There will be no more fillers. :]

* * *

**Chapter Six**:  
Searching for Closure

I'd been walking around the village for a while now, trying to find something to do. I'd asked Kaede if she needed help with anything. She'd said no, thank you, she'd started dinner this morning. It was soup and needed to cook all day. Everything was already done.  
I'd walked around the village asking if people needed odd jobs done, or if anything suspicious had been noted lately, all for no avail.  
Miroku had gone to visit the shrine that was dedicated to his father and the monk that had been a mentor to him. It was his father's birthday, and he had gone every year since Naraku's death. This meant that I couldn't distract myself by helping Miroku.  
But it also meant that I could help Sango, what with three children and no husband at the moment, maybe I could help with something (and distract myself).  
But even Sango, the mother of three, didn't need me. She'd put them all down for a nap, which meant she had two hours to herself. And she wanted those hours for _herself_.So, I left here alone.

And, here we are. Sitting at the well, writing in the diary, not being distracted, reliving every moment of the horrifically torturing dream I had last night. It was nighttime again, and it was still vivid in my mind. It wasn't scary, I wasn't saving Kagome's life, or letting her go in the well…No. I would've preferred any of those over the dream I had last night. It was torture.  
We were so close.  
So _close._

It was like nothing had ever happened. Everything was the way it _should_ be. We'd defeated Naraku, I'd saved Kagome, the well had never sealed, and she stayed with me. We were lying together, next to the well, on a soft blanket she'd brought from home. We were just lying there, looking at the stars.  
Well, she was looking at the stars. I wasn't.  
I was watching her breathe, blink, talk. I didn't listen to a word she said. I just watched her, in awe. She was so god damn perfect, and I wanted every inch of her to be mine. I'd moved close to her, and kissed her. It felt so _real_. I'd never wanted anything more in my life than to be intimate with her, and to love her and hold her and never let go. I woke up when she told me she loved me.  
Sitting here, on the edge of the well, alone, made me want to die. Literally. Its dreams like the one I had last night that just _kill_ me. They're so good, yet so unbelievably agonizing. It makes my heart do summersaults as it jumps off a cliff. I can't take it anymore.

Why couldn't the jewel have listened to my wish?  
Yes, I'd made a wish the same time Kagome did. And I so badly desire, to the ends of the Earth, that it had chosen mine.  
I'd wished that everything would be okay, that Kagome and I could be together, and everything would just be normal.  
I hadn't said the wish out loud. I'd practically screamed it in my head though.  
I wanted so badly for everything to be okay. If only it could have chosen both of our wishes. My world would be whole again.

_~end writing~_

I set my book down in my lap. I looked up, trying to breathe steadily before I started just screaming. The edge of the well felt so far away from me right now. I was so far gone. I hadn't even felt this heart-wrenched when I first let her go.  
"Why can't we be together? I love you, Kagome." I said to no one. No one heard me with the exception of myself. It felt strange for me to say it out loud. I had never actually spoke those words.  
Not a second had passed after I said those words when I saw light. Extreme white light was blinding me. I shut my eyes tight. I was falling; falling into …nothing. I kept waiting for the crushing ground to hit me, and it never did.

I felt my diary in my hands. I couldn't open my eyes to see where I was. It was too bright.  
And then it stopped. I hit the ground, but not hard at all. I cautiously opened my eyes…  
The well? I had fallen down the well? How did I not notice that happening? …What was the light from?

It took me a hundredth of a second to catch her scent, but at least fifteen seconds to remember to breathe after everything that just happened clicked into place.

* * *

I know it was short, but hey, a cliffhanger is a cliffhanger. Can't do much about it.  
The next two will be up soon, one of which, will cause the rating to be changed to "M".

Please review.

Thank you so much!  
Dana xo


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